Found you...

I found my first gf online. Fucking facebook.

Whole nights been a debbie downer.

I don't know why I'm sad.

I'm uncomfortable.

I'm tired of all this shit ya know.

I think I'll sleep in the basement. I'm a bit in my spoiled little boy rant. I'm sitting in front of my tv thinking really hard.

I'm also thinking God might be mad with me. Mad at how ungreatful I am. I'm a bit shitty for that. But I can't beat myself up. He wouldn't want it.

I'm gonna read and... wait to see if she replies to my email. My old ex I mean.

Brilliance

I am it. Basically, I'm a big deal.

I can't say no this time.

In the past I would've said no to everything these people would've asked me to do. Mostly because I wanted revenge for being walked on. I wanted my just deserts for taking months of agony and verbal abuse.

But in light of the recent lawsuit, where I AM being sued, and being fired... I don't have much of a choice but to trust these people. Like honestly, what the fuck can I really say? No I won't help you, but you need to help me to survive this time.

It feels like I'm being punished and taught a lesson at the same time. God wants me to stop fucking over my family, or my mom in particular. And he also wants me to--

**my mom just asked me to start cleaning on a day I wanted to study**

Fucking... I hate cleaning. I think two things slow me down. 1st, my job. 2nd, cleaning up the house. I'm shabby at both. I'm not horrendously imcompetant, no. I'm just not capable of bringing everything they want. But what I can do, I do it like a Boss.

SO I'M REALLY TRYING TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST! Because if I don't I go off talking to myself and thats not cool.

By the way, alter-me, which, lets be honest, is high me. I don't like him as much. I get high too much. I get tired of it. I'm such an old man. I barely even like to smoke anymore.

Hell, I'm going to church more. Didn't quite see me going all conservative all of the sudden.

Until we bleed

So I've been fired. And the last thing my friend said to me was, "Don't kill yourself."

Fine. lol I wasn't going to consider it. I honestly don't like the job that much. I didn't fancy coming to work on most days. And I just felt released the minute I popped down at my chair in the basement and lit one up. 

The money was all I had reason for coming there.

Speculation on why I got fired? Well, they'll say its cuz I was undependable. But my coworkers will say, I was a team player. So yeah, my boss didn't like me is what I think happened. 

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But how did I really feel inside? Yes! Still relieved. Am I lazy for not wanting to work there anymore? Am I a bad person for it? Am I wrong for just feeling like things would be better if I said, fuck it all?

Yes, this is the catharcis before the fall. 

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